Something's gotta give....

I stopped writing on here after my lawyer warned me that things I posted might be brought up in court... Suffice it to say, time has passed and lots of healing has happened. Still, try as I might 2011 has not been the banner year of joy I'd really hope that it would be. In February, I was lucky enough to be introduced to Mr. Sweet. We met the night after I was on the S&R team at a house fire that turned out to be a murder suicide. For that reason alone, I think that I was open to meeting someone who would at least let me vent. He turned out to be a really sweet guy. He was gainfully employed. He had a track record of being a nice guy, a fact substantiated by a mutual friend. He wanted to get married, have kids, and all that nice stuff. Plus, he was attractive, athletic, and rode both Mt and road bikes. From Valentine's Day through mid-April we had a lovely little affair. There were a couple things that weren't perfect, but most of it was simply due to the fact that he was a slow burn type and I'm a firebrand. I was happy again....mostly. When it ended, I wasn't prepared to be dumped. I didn't want it to be over, and I was really hoping that he'd change his mind. But, you know what? No one ever steps away and realizes they were wrong. In fact, after he said goodbye that night, I heard from him one more time.... The contact wasn't particularly wistful. It was simply him being all business, and tying up loose ends. Nevermind, that his friends thought we were great together. Never mind that I'd met his mom, and she liked me. Never mind, that if you looked at us on paper there were more reasons we should work than that we shouldn't.... If there's something missing, you can't make that happen. And, so, I watched him go.... The week after the end of that the county I work for voted on the budget for the fiscal year. As the most recently hired group of Firefighters, I would be among the first to go should they have to enforce layoffs. As it stands, no layoffs... However, we're going to be forced to take 5 furlough days, in addition to cutting 10% of the operating budget. They're simply delaying the inevitable. When October comes, they're going to have to do something more drastic. Simply raising the mill rate then probably won't fix things by that time, so then I'll be gone. The way things are at the moment leaves me wishing they'd simply let me go now. If they fired me I could collect unemployment for a while. I'd take some of the prereq's for nursing, maybe attempt to get into the program for the following Fall. If I could do that then I'd at least have a really decent job by the time I was 36. Finally, the cherry on top of all the great luck I have lately, is my car. After completing my triathlon workout yesterday, that literally took 3hours, I had a car wreck that may or may not have totalled my car. I haven't had a chance to find out yet, as I'm currently sitting here in the station working... It's not all gloom and doom, though. I'm heading to Miami on Tuesday assuming that I make it that far.... It's going to be break well deserved. It's not that I'm not resiliant. I am. I bounce back better than most people that I have ever met. Still, one of the keys to being resilient is time between events. You have to have some space in order to recover and gain perspective. If you don't get that time then it all compounds. Right now, I'm feeling like my head is in a vice grip all the time. I don't sleep very well. I drink too much, and too often, and I've been eating crap everyday. I'm wondering when is something good going to come my way and stay for a while, and I'm getting desperate to find it anywhere I can... I know I'm a happy person. I love to laugh. I love to smile. I love to sweat and work and play and be silly. I want to make someone smile. I want to be held. I want to love my work and my life again... It wasn't that long ago that I had ALL of that. I'm getting to the point that I'm beginning to be afraid that I will never be that girl again. I'll take pleasure in competition, because it calms my heart, but I want to take pleasure in living too! I deserve that. To be content is a right, isn't it? It has to be... If it isn't, then I'm really going to be hard pressed to find a reason to keep on "keeping on".