I have accepted the fact that I am in a state of depression. The only thing that keeps me moving forward is the fact that every three days I am required to show up to my job, and be the best dang recruit I can be. That requires a certain amount of humor from me as well as some dedication and intensity. It's a good thing for me, as the past week has proven that by the end of my 48hour weekend I am good for very little.
Someone asked me if I would've ended things with us if this "event" had never occurred. I'd like to say yes, but I know, barring any violence toward me I'd have gone back over and over in a misguided attempt to "save him from himself". The problem lies in the fact that no one can save an alcoholic except the alcoholic themselves. He'd have had to hit rock bottom somehow. The fact that this was it is an unfortunate consequence... One that in no way comforts me at night when I cannot sleep.
I'd like to ask him if he is capable of telling the whole truth to me or even himself. I want to know if he trusts me enough to let me see ALL of the ugliness that he was keeping from me. I want to tell him how friends of his brother's were afraid of him growing up, and how people wondered if her was on something when he came back from UGA and had gotten so big... I want to ask all these things, and if he is really serious about his drive toward God, or if he is doing it simply because he knows that's what we all want to hear. There are more questions that I'd never allow myself to ask, but that I think of everyday...
Maybe I never will.
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